Tuesday 28 June 2011

Here we go again...

Well I never wanted to write this post. I wanted to write a nice happy one instead but I can't.

This morning I thought - well hoped - I was 11 weeks pregnant. I had an abdominal scan and when they said they would have to do an internal one "to get a better picture" I just knew it would be bad news. It wasn't my first sign of trouble. On Saturday I had some light bleeding but it stopped and I have had none since so I kept on hoping. But there was no heartbeat. The pregnancy only measured 7-8 weeks. Now I know why I never felt very pregnant...

Tomorrow I am going to go for an ERPC. Again. Two in six months - maybe they can give me some kind of frequent customer card?

I really wanted some happy news today. Two miscarriages after losing Orson seems so unfair.

I just keep thinking of Orson and how had he survived he would be coming up to a year right now and in all probability we would never have tried to have more children.

I really wanted to be pregnant on Orson's anniversary...

I wanted to stop feeling pangs of sadness when I see pregnant women.

Right now I am mad with life. I know things will feel better someday. Just wish it was today.

4 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. The universe just keeps kicking you when you're down. Not fair. Here's hoping good things come your way, and soon. Sending you peaceful thoughts.

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  2. Damn. This is terrible. I'm not sure I've ever read your blog, but happened upon it through a link.

    I had a stillbirth in December and had a miscarriage June 2. Now we're trying again and not listening to doctors because I am working on two losses and clearly no one knows what to tell me.

    I'm so sorry. Just want you to know you aren't alone. We're only at 7 months out, but two losses. Really terrible.

    Considering all the blood drawls I've had (hcg drops, post stillbirth workup, etc.), I half wanted to ask the same thing--- can I have a frequent customers punchcard? Makes sense, right? I feel like I need discounts for this crap.

    So sorry. :(

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  3. I am so sorry. There isnt the words to describe how much this sucks, how unfair it is. Wish I cold do more than send Emoticons, and simulated hugs...

    Hugs anyway hun.

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