It's almost a year since we lost Orson and I still find some situations around pregnant women or newborn babies uncomfortable. I can't help but think of Orson. How I wish he was here. How I miss him. How I wish he could play with M. How I wish I could call his name like I call M's name.
But something I find harder to cope with is people who know me and know what I have been through who just don't think that I might still struggle in some situations. Work is a good example of this. A friend at work is pregnant, I will call her Ms Q. I am happy for her but sometimes it is hard to see her so excited and happy and to think that was me until my waters broke last year.
But worse than that I feel that some of my colleagues have just forgotten about me and about Orson. Actually I bet most don't even remember Orson's name (not all of them, some have been understanding, if you are a colleague and are reading this please do not worry I am not talking about you). I feel some colleagues do not even consider that I may struggle with Ms Q being pregnant. I have had people come up to me without Ms Q being present and strike up a conversation with me that starts off "Ms Q is so big now" or "Ms Q is looking so healthy."
Ms Q said to a small group of us that she is keeping a photo frame her colleagues have just given her for her birthday "until the baby comes." To put this into perspective (well my perspective anyway) Ms Q is around 18 weeks... I just kept thinking my waters broke at 21 weeks, Orson died at 31 weeks, at 18 weeks things can still go wrong. And Ms Q knows that. She knows my hstory well. And to be fair she has been lovely on other occasions and I realise she is acting like a completely normal pregnant women. I am not upset with her in any way. It is just that sometimes it is hard for me. So when I mentioned to a colleague that I found M's Q’s photo frame comments difficult to hear starting off by saying "I am sure she will be ok but she is only 18 weeks" she said "I was like you worried throughout my pregnancy." I gave in then. What is the point in explaining myself. This colleague didn't remember either.
As I said before some colleagues remember and understand. They are fabulous. Some just don't mention Ms Q's pregnancy to me which is also a great way of helping me cope. It is just those that have forgotten about Orson and end up being insensitive that I struggle with. It has been almost a year since Orson died but he is still very much on my mind. I hate that he has been forgotten. I hate that my continuing pain has been forgotten. I think about Orson every day and a few people do not even remember this time last year I was six months pregnant, a month off saying goodbye to Orson forever.
IMAGE: Forget me not photo by Ian Britton from www.freephoto.com