Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Here we go again...

Well I never wanted to write this post. I wanted to write a nice happy one instead but I can't.

This morning I thought - well hoped - I was 11 weeks pregnant. I had an abdominal scan and when they said they would have to do an internal one "to get a better picture" I just knew it would be bad news. It wasn't my first sign of trouble. On Saturday I had some light bleeding but it stopped and I have had none since so I kept on hoping. But there was no heartbeat. The pregnancy only measured 7-8 weeks. Now I know why I never felt very pregnant...

Tomorrow I am going to go for an ERPC. Again. Two in six months - maybe they can give me some kind of frequent customer card?

I really wanted some happy news today. Two miscarriages after losing Orson seems so unfair.

I just keep thinking of Orson and how had he survived he would be coming up to a year right now and in all probability we would never have tried to have more children.

I really wanted to be pregnant on Orson's anniversary...

I wanted to stop feeling pangs of sadness when I see pregnant women.

Right now I am mad with life. I know things will feel better someday. Just wish it was today.

Saturday, 25 June 2011


I have so many ideas yet they never become blog posts. I am going to have to start writing them down as I forget them so soon after I think of them. And when it comes to actually writing a post well it really isn't happening.

Not sure why I am so lazy about this right now. Maybe it is because it is coming up to Orson's anniversary. 9th July is fast approaching and I cannot help but think of him a lot. Maybe it is because if the weather. Honestly I think we must be skipping Summer this year. I really need some sunshine.or maybe it is just laziness.

A lot if my post ideas are fleeting. I will see an article that will inspire me. This one http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/jun/24/america-pregnant-women-murder-charges really shocked me, yet only enough to post it on my Facebook page for this blog, not enough to actually write a whole article.

I read so many other blogs right now. They inspire me too. I read the post and think I have to write about that but then I don't.

Hopefully things will get better. More posts will be coming soon I hope. In the mean time here is in an extract from one I found amusing recently from Mommy Odyssey (http://mommyodyssey.wordpress.com/2011/05/14/revenge-of-the-preggo-blogging-meme/#comments). I don't know if any of you read any pregnancy blogs, well it is really popular to use a kind of pro forma which asks questions about your pregnancy. You just post the answers once a week and you have your blog post. Lots of women who see these posts on blogs by babyloss mothers or infertile women find these posts hard to read, especially if they are not currently pregnant. I have to say I don't mind, after all I can relate to the laziness, it is hard to post new exciting ideas all the time. Anyway this one made me laugh:

"Week 50- Weekly Update

(why 50 you ask? That’s how long it’s been since my first BFP)

How far along: Well, it depends on which pregnancy. My first would be two months old about now. My second is due in two weeks. I’d be 8 weeks preggo with my third. So let’s just call this one a bust, shall we?
Size of baby: It’s a peanut! No! It’s a blueberry! No! It’s an orange! No! It’s a garbage can full of extra thick sanitary pads!
Maternity clothes?I wish. Then I’d have an excuse for the latest early pregnancy two pounds I gained. Now I just look a bit fatter than usual and with nothing to show for it.
Sleep?Not that much, since I’m waiting to see what instruments are going to be stuck up my uterus in the coming weeks.
Best moment of the week: The one day when I went into my google reader and didn’t see a single post with this ridiculous meme.

Movement: I’ve been told to start doing half hour walks to both relieve my anxiety and prep my body to actually hold a pregnancy to term. Does that count?

Symptoms: Well, I’ve got this recurrent stabbing pain in my right side, which is a constant reminder that there may be something wrong with my tubes. Other than that, it’s a sore throat and stuffy nose… Oh, right, sorry, those last two are symptoms of my COLD, not a pregnancy. Oh wait, I’m not pregnant! So I guess it’s all good.

Food cravings/aversions:I’ve been told to move to a low sugar diet to help ensure a baby sticks around next time. And I really want a hot chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream to comfort me while I feel endless grief and frustration. Ahh well, too bad for me!

Gender:Up until a few months ago, I would have said I wish it would be a girl. Now I don’t give a crap. Just give me a baby.

Belly button in or out:In – and will most likely remain that way for the unforeseeable future.

Stretch marks: Oh! Yeah! A bunch! But they’re mostly non-pregnancy related.

What I miss: Morning sickness. I loved living off of crackers and knowing that this meant that I had a baby growing inside of me.

How is Mommy Feeling? Bitter. Haven’t you noticed?

How is Daddy Feeling? Depressed and nihilistic. Check out his blog post from a couple of days back.

Total weight gain? About 15 pounds during the last three pregnancies. Mostly due to numbing my feelings with carbs.

What I am looking forward to: A day when this blogging meme gets wiped off the face of the earth."

Sunday, 12 June 2011

Forget me not

It's almost a year since we lost Orson and I still find some situations around pregnant women or newborn babies uncomfortable. I can't help but think of Orson. How I wish he was here. How I miss him. How I wish he could play with M. How I wish I could call his name like I call M's name.

But something I find harder to cope with is people who know me and know what I have been through who just don't think that I might still struggle in some situations. Work is a good example of this. A friend at work is pregnant, I will call her Ms Q. I am happy for her but sometimes it is hard to see her so excited and happy and to think that was me until my waters broke last year.

But worse than that I feel that some of my colleagues have just forgotten about me and about Orson. Actually I bet most don't even remember Orson's name (not all of them, some have been understanding, if you are a colleague and are reading this please do not worry I am not talking about you). I feel some colleagues do not even consider that I may struggle with Ms Q being pregnant. I have had people come up to me without Ms Q being present and strike up a conversation with me that starts off "Ms Q is so big now" or "Ms Q is looking so healthy."

Ms Q said to a small group of us that she is keeping a photo frame her colleagues have just given her for her birthday "until the baby comes." To put this into perspective (well my perspective anyway) Ms Q is around 18 weeks... I just kept thinking my waters broke at 21 weeks, Orson died at 31 weeks, at 18 weeks things can still go wrong. And Ms Q knows that. She knows my hstory well. And to be fair she has been lovely on other occasions and I realise she is acting like a completely normal pregnant women. I am not upset with her in any way. It is just that sometimes it is hard for me. So when I mentioned to a colleague that I found M's Q’s photo frame comments difficult to hear starting off by saying "I am sure she will be ok but she is only 18 weeks" she said "I was like you worried throughout my pregnancy." I gave in then. What is the point in explaining myself. This colleague didn't remember either.

As I said before some colleagues remember and understand. They are fabulous. Some just don't mention Ms Q's pregnancy to me which is also a great way of helping me cope. It is just those that have forgotten about Orson and end up being insensitive that I struggle with. It has been almost a year since Orson died but he is still very much on my mind. I hate that he has been forgotten. I hate that my continuing pain has been forgotten. I think about Orson every day and a few people do not even remember this time last year I was six months pregnant, a month off saying goodbye to Orson forever.

IMAGE: Forget me not photo by Ian Britton from www.freephoto.com

Thursday, 2 June 2011

It's just a cucumber...

I worry too much.

I ordered a sandwich today, cheddar cheese and salad. But when the assistant put cucumber in my sandwich I immediately asked her to remove it. Why? Because of the e-coli Spanish cucumber scare in Germany.

I don't live in Germany or Spain. Apparently cucumbers in the UK are safe, in fact they are now saying the Spanish cucumbers originally blamed for the e-coli outbreak are safe. The e-coli outbreak comes from some other unidentified salad item. And now they are saying it is a new strain of e-coli and has caused 14 deaths. So do I avoid salad completely now? Certainly in Germany they have been told not to eat all salad items, but what about salad in the UK - is it safe? Yes (we are told). But I still worry.

Logically I know there is no need to but I have always worried too much about these things. I am not the kind of person to use products past their best before or use by date. And I always keep ketchup in the fridge. Imagine my horror quite a few years ago when after eating some odd tasting mayonnaise at somebody's house I discovered it was out of date, and not just a little out of date but over a year out of date. Of course I was fine even after the mayonnaise incident. And indeed other occasions like when I discovered mould in the cream cheese and salmon bagel I was eating... half way through eating it (the shop I bought it from gave me the choice of a refund or another bagel, surprise surprise I opted for the refund).

So why am I so paranoid about food? I have no idea, it is not like I have ever suffered from severe food poisoning. But as I get older I become more concerned about these things. So maybe age is a factor. Gone are my student days when I would scrape the mould off bread and toast it.

And having children has made me even more paranoid. Let's face it I have spent an awful lot if the last four years pregnant, and during pregnncy in the UK we are bombarded with a long list of things not to eat. And instructed to wash vegetables extra carefully. Ensure foods are thoroughly cooked (I avoid chicken at barbecues). Plus there is so much conflicting information, some people say avoid all ham products, others say if it is cooked then you can eat it. Who knows what the truth is - not me.

Having to feed M, made me even more careful about foods. Babies can't eat honey, have to eat well cooked eggs... the list goes on. Even now that he is three I am still careful. There is no way I want him poisoned. Of course stopping a three year old getting sickness bugs is impossible, but what is the point in making it worse?

So I worry too much. And I am going to continue to worry.

Image: Kittikun Atsawintarangkul / FreeDigitalPhotos.net