Monday, 29 August 2011

Moving on

Is it possible to "move on" after losing after losing a baby?

I hate that phrase, to me it sounds almost like forgetting or not thinking about Orson any more. I don't want either. The idea makes me want to burst into tears.

I have been told moving on means thinking of the future. If that is the case then to me the nearest to moving on I can do would be to have another baby but that is proving hard.

So since I cannot do what I think moving on is does this mean I am failing to progress with life? I don't think so. I think mostly I am okay now (my new okay), I get sad and have bad days but they are becoming rarer.

With my Counsellor this week I found myself talking about moving on and then I found mysef talking about my life and not just losing Orson. It was interesting. Found myself thinking about what I did before I had M. It has made me think maybe some of the things I used to want I might still want. I used to run, maybe I should start to run again (that would also help with the fitting into my old clothes issue I also have). What about my job? It doesn't mean as much to me as it used to, am I okay with that? Do I want to go out more? Should we get more child care for M so me and S can go out more together?

I am not going to change all of these things at once, and some of them I do not want to change but I am starting to think that maybe I need to change something. My counsellor suggested picking one thing (her suggestion was running) and try that. I am almost at the stage where I think she is right. In theory I totally agree it is just a matter of getting over my lazy streak. Running is hard, watching television and eating bad food is easier. But feeling better about myself would be great. And being healthier has got to be good for trying to get pregnant too. I have almost convinced myself. Almost.

So for those of you who have had a loss, have you moved on? Is it possible? What does moving on mean to you?

Image: renjith krishnan /

Friday, 26 August 2011


Image: Ambro /
Everything felt very bleak after my last miscarriage. I felt like there was no point in trying for another baby because I will just miscarry again. I have a little more hope now. But what would really improve my hope would be tests. I really want tests to determine if there is anything wrong with me or S that is causing my miscarriages. This week I got slightly closer to my goal of getting these tests.

I saw a Consultant this week who explained that the sample of pregnancy tissue sent off after my ERPC had Trisomy 22. This means the pregnancy had three chromosome 22s as opposed to the normal two. He suggested that there is probably only a 1% chance that either myself or S are carriers of Trisomy 22. More likely it is just a random mutation caused when the egg or sperm was created during the dividing process known as meiosis. Normally an egg or a sperm has just one set of each chromosome if something goes wrong during meiosis and a sperm or egg ends up with two copies of a chromosome and that sperm or egg is fertilized the resulting embryo will have three copies of a chromosome instead of two. Trisomies can happen on lots of chromosomes. The most famous Trisomy is Trisomy 21 - it's better known name is Down's Syndrome.

I of course Googled Trismy 22 and found out it accounts for around 3% of first trimester miscarriages. Pregnancies with it rarely progress past the first trimester.

The Consultant explained that everyone has a chance of having a Trisomy pregnancy and that chance increases with age. Because I have had one Trisomy pregnancy now he believes my chance of a second one is increased. He didn't say by how much. And a second Trisomy could occur on any of the chromosomes, including 21. He guessed that at my age (33) the chance of a Down's Syndrome baby is normally around 1 in 600 and now I have had one Trisomy pregnancy is is probably about 1 in 400, so still very small. In any future pregnancy I will be referred to the Foetal Medicine Unit at my hospital at around 11 to 12 weeks to discuss the Trisomy issue.

We are also being referred to the Hospital's Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic. The Consultant agreed we not only need to be tested to see if we are Trisomy 22 carriers but for other miscarriage causes. He said the Clinic will also be able to explain the odds of Trisomies reoccurring more accurately. I am really pleased after all I have wanted tests for ages. But at the same time I am still a little disappointed because it takes so long. We were told to expect a letter giving us an appointment within a month. No idea when the actual appointment will be. The NHS is very, very, very slow.

We asked the Consultant whether it is okay to try for another pregnancy, he agreed it is fine. He tried to end the meeting happily by explaining that it is not unusual for women with my pregnancy history to have healthy babies. I am trying to convince myself I will be one of these women.

Friday, 19 August 2011

Apathy bubble

I think I am in an apathy bubble. Nothing much is happening and I haven't had opinions or thoughts that are strong enough to burst my bubble and make me write a post for a while. Even my non blogging life is a bit like that. I look in the mirror and think that I need to lose weight but that thought is not enough to make me exercise or stop me eating chocolates and crisps.

Life is just continuing. The second miscarriage has stopped me thinking too much of the future. I am not counting the months until I get pregnant again. I haven't lost hope of a baby one day but just think what is the point in hoping too much when I will just miscarry again? And if I don't well I have that dreaded pPROM to worry about. So I am dealing with it by not thinking about it. Or at least trying not to think about it. Ceasing to think about getting pregnant is impossible, there are far too many reminders for me. For example the other day I walked to work - a simple 20 minute walk - and I passed five heavily pregnant women (and they were not in one big group on their way home after an antenatal class). So forgetting is impossible.

And forgetting or at least thinking less of Orson is also impossible. I just cannot and I think I do not want to. So I still get sad. I am not moping around all the time but waves of sadness happen. I think of him and miss him. A day does not go by when I do not think of him.

I think I am tired. And fed up. I kind if feel like I am in limbo. And I do not know that I will get much better unless I have another baby. I suppose if I cannot I will eventually come to terms with it. And I am sure having another child will not automatically make things feel better, but it will help, I am certain of it.

So for now I am just carrying on and I continue to live in my apathy bubble. Looking after M, going to work, watching mind numbing television... the days and weeks are slipping by.

Friday, 5 August 2011


Last week I had my first ever counselling session. I really wasn't sure about going before I went and now I have been I am still not sure. So why did I go? Well after a year I find myself still getting very sad at times and the miscarriages have brought the memories back both times. However this time around I also have the feeling that there is little hope for a future pregnancy - won't I just miscarry again?

Having never had any counselling I really didn't know what to expect. It doesn't feel like a very English thing to do. Certainly it is not a very "me" thing to do. The general impression I try to give complete strangers is that I am a perfectly normal average happy 33 year old mother of a 3 year old, with no problems what so ever. Certainly I would never share deep feelings with a stranger so the idea of just me and a stranger in a room where I talk about my feelings isn't top of my list of fun things to do.

My GP recommended this counselling service. It is run by a Christian charity for women with pregnancy related problems such as post natal depression, miscarriage, stillbirth, IVF related issues and abortion related issues. The counselling itself is not at all religious but it is a way to get counselling at a cheaper price than most private counselling available here. According to the NHS a private 50 minute session is £40 - £100. But with the counselling I opted for (actually all that my GP offered) I get an hour long sessions once a week for 10 weeks, with the option of extending that for a few more weeks if necessary and I just have to pay a donation (apparently most people give £5 - £10 per session).

So what did I think of it?

Well my first thought was my Counsellor wasn't the most experienced out there. She started off by telling me she had been volunteering for the company for just over a year and had just completed a degree. She didn't say which degree - I found myself thinking afterwards was her degree even relevant? But she semed nice enough and seemed to understand it was difficult for me to be there.

As I said before I didn't know what to expect. Okay I had a vague idea from watching TV shows and films what happens, but these views were probably outdated. For example on TV shows doesn't the client lie down on a couch? In fact the last counselling session I saw on TV was in an episode of Dexter where the counsellor murdered his clients, perhaps not the best example to remember...

But my experience was simply me sitting in a room - a room that looked much like a hotel room with a big box of tissues on the table. The Counsellor on another comfy chair opposite me, just asking me to talk about whatever I wanted. So I told her why I was there. What had happened to Orson and that since we lost him I have had two miscarriages. There were lots of uncomfortable silences. I don't like crying in front of others, or even in front of people I know and yet I found myself crying during the session. I tried so hard not to but just retelling my story had me in tears.

I left the session feeling very sorry for myself. Worse than when I went in. The counsellor told me that the first three sessions would be the hardest. I am going to continue going for the moment and see how it goes.

For tomorrows session I am supposed to be thinking of topics to discuss. An hour seems a very long time to talk. Last week the session wasn't a full hour because I started off having to fill in forms about why I was there etc. I like forms. I feel safe filling forms in but talking for an hour about how I feel...? I would have to say I don't like that but if it helps I am willing to give it a chance.