Friday, 19 August 2011

Apathy bubble

I think I am in an apathy bubble. Nothing much is happening and I haven't had opinions or thoughts that are strong enough to burst my bubble and make me write a post for a while. Even my non blogging life is a bit like that. I look in the mirror and think that I need to lose weight but that thought is not enough to make me exercise or stop me eating chocolates and crisps.

Life is just continuing. The second miscarriage has stopped me thinking too much of the future. I am not counting the months until I get pregnant again. I haven't lost hope of a baby one day but just think what is the point in hoping too much when I will just miscarry again? And if I don't well I have that dreaded pPROM to worry about. So I am dealing with it by not thinking about it. Or at least trying not to think about it. Ceasing to think about getting pregnant is impossible, there are far too many reminders for me. For example the other day I walked to work - a simple 20 minute walk - and I passed five heavily pregnant women (and they were not in one big group on their way home after an antenatal class). So forgetting is impossible.

And forgetting or at least thinking less of Orson is also impossible. I just cannot and I think I do not want to. So I still get sad. I am not moping around all the time but waves of sadness happen. I think of him and miss him. A day does not go by when I do not think of him.

I think I am tired. And fed up. I kind if feel like I am in limbo. And I do not know that I will get much better unless I have another baby. I suppose if I cannot I will eventually come to terms with it. And I am sure having another child will not automatically make things feel better, but it will help, I am certain of it.

So for now I am just carrying on and I continue to live in my apathy bubble. Looking after M, going to work, watching mind numbing television... the days and weeks are slipping by.

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