Saturday, 24 December 2011

Christmas Eve thoughts

I can't believe I am about to celebrate my second Christmas since Orson died. It has been a long time but I still remember everything so clearly. It still seems very recent.

I am incredibly lucky to have M and for him Christmas will be happy and fun but it is tinged with sadness because we should also have an 18 month old to open presents tomorrow. This time last year I felt sad but hopeful, I was pregnant and I thought we would have a younger brother or sister for M and Orson by now.

This Christmas isn't as happy as it should be.

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Not much hope

Well I am still here. Now 34 years old. My birthday was just over a week ago. I was 31 when I got pregnant with Orson and 32 when he was born. Seems like such a long time ago.

Nothing much has changed in my life lately. I am still not pregnant. Beginning to think it will never happen. When I lost Orson in July 2010 I found so many blogs of women who had also lost babies - most have either had babies since then or are now pregnant. It is the same with women I have met in forums. It gets very hard hearing so much good news when I don't have any to share myself.

I am trying to be positive. Trying to concentrate on the future. But I cannot escape the fact that my life isn't how I would like it and there is nothing I can do about it. I am trying to concentrate on Christmas. But I remember the last two Christmases. I discovered I was pregnant with Orson around Christmas time two years ago. I found out I was pregnant again about this time last year. At Christmas I had so much hope for this year. 2011 was going to be a very good year. But instead it has been very poor. Two miscarriages and six months since my last one and right now I am still not pregnant. I want to believe 2012 will be a good year but right now I don't have much hope for it.