Friday, 29 April 2011

Just different

A year ago today I was a very happy women. I was 21 weeks pregnant exactly. I had been told at my scan two weeks previously that everything looked good and that I was expecting a boy. I had just started to feel him move regularly.

I had started buying maternity clothes. I was enquiring about maternity leave at work.

I was looking forward to having another son and wondering how I would cope with M and the new baby.

Then a day later my waters broke and I learnt what pPROM stands for.

The women I was a year ago doesn't feel like me any more. I am somebody very different now. Time has helped immensely. From the outside I am no different to the women I used to be. But all the time in the world will never bring me back to who I was a year ago today.

I am not angry. I am not sad (well alright, occasionally I am). I am just different.

Monday, 25 April 2011


I now have a Facebook page for this blog. Please press the like button on the page if you like the page.

Friday, 22 April 2011


Every parent worries about their children when they are sick. It is a horrible feeling to know they are not well and that there is very little you can do to help them. Often waiting for the child to get better is all the parent can do.

I have always been a worrier. And I worry about M much more now that we have lost Orson. Like everybody, I have heard of incredibly rare and scary situations where children get seriously ill or die as a result of minor illnesses or injuries. I know these situations are rare but because I have lost a baby I now realise that rare horrible things can happen and they can happen to me.

It is best not to think about worst case scenarios when it comes to illness. Much better to be sensible and calm but there is a part of me that just cannot be calm and sensible. A part of me that worries too much and then sometimes my mind gets carried away and I fleetingly think about the worst case scenario. Usually it is at that point I have to stop my mind wondering because that just CANNOT happen. It is not an option that I will contemplate.

Do not worry, M does not have a serious illness. And I am going overboard to make my point. When M is ill I am not constantly worrying about the worst case scenario. But I know I worry more about him now. So when he hits his head when he falls off his scooter I Google "head injuries in children" and watch him like a hawk for signs of trouble. And when - like right now - he has a fever and is vomiting I find myself Googling again and taking his temperature a little too often... just in case.

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Mr Perspective

If perspective was a man, I would write him this letter:

Dear Mr Perspective,

How are you? It has been a while hasn't it? We really should meet up again some time soon.

I have to admit I have missed having you around. Have you seen much of our good friends Miss Happiness and Mr Hope lately? The four of us used to have such fun together.

Lately I have got to know Miss Sadness a little better. I know you don't get on so well with her. I have to admit lately I have been getting a little fed up with her too.

Please get in touch I miss you. Hoping to see you soon.




Sunday, 17 April 2011


A year ago Miss S gave birth to her first daughter Matilda after pPROM a few weeks earlier. Matilda died shortly after birth.

Miss S was the first person I knew of who had lost a baby to pPROM. I am really grateful to her for her advice and friendship.

I will be thinking of Matilda today.

Saturday, 9 April 2011


Lol is now an official word according to the Oxford English Dictionary. Read more about it here:

BBC News Lol article

The above article got me thinking. There are so many acronyms and terms that I have come to know and use as if they are normal words since starting this blog. Here are a few of my favourites...

pPROM - preterm Premature Rupture of the Membranes, if you have read this blog for a while you will know that one!

TTC - trying to conceive, used lots on forums like Babycenter.

AF - Aunt can work it out

DTD - doing the can definitely work this one out...

Now for my personal favourite...

From Drop Box
Rainbow Baby - a baby born after a loss, here is an explanation taken from Rainbow Baby Urban Dictionary definition

"A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery."

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

It will happen when you are ready

"It will happen when you are ready."

Yes, somebody actually said that to me recently in relation to me having another living child. I know it is just one of those things people say usually followed up with "when you are not thinking about it" or something similar, but still...

At the time these words were uttered to me I just laughed. And explained how it had been quite a long time since we originally started trying for a second child - you know before the miscarriage, before Orson - and I am just impatient.

I am not alone in struggling to have another living child. There are many people worse off than me I know but there are also many who are better off. So for the purposes of this post I am going to ignore everybody else and concentrate on me and how I feel about those words.

And how do those seven words make me feel? Annoyed. It is clearly not true. Loads of women have babies when they are not ready. Some already have children and have decided their families are complete and then oops they have another one. So sometimes it happens when you are not ready.

Even if it only happens when you are ready - I am ready. I have been for some time now. I made sure both me and S were ready before we even started trying to conceive Orson. That was a very long time ago now. I was ready for Orson. I was ready for the pregnancy ending in a miscarriage and I am still ready. Just how ready do I need to be?

So the words "it will happen when you are ready" referring to me having a baby are annoying. And not one person who has said those words to me has had a baby that died. I am confident if they had they wouldn't dream of saying that because it is simply wrong. Oh and did I mention it's annoying?

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day in the UK. Happy Mother's Day to all the mums reading.

M gave me a bar of chocolate to celebrate Mother's Day. He is only three but already knows I love chocolate!

Saturday, 2 April 2011

I will be happy


Image: prozac1 /

Spring is here. This time of year is very uplifting. New life and all that.

It is starting to get warmer. I no longer need a hat, scarf and gloves.

The trees are blossoming. Flowers are growing. I was impressed that despite my complete lack of care the flowers in my window box are now in full bloom.

I can't help but think of how the time if year I missed last year due to pPROM - May to July - is fast approaching. I was hoping I would be pregnant again by now. I had visions in my head how I would be heavily pregnant by July 9th, the anniversary of Orson's death. But now it looks highly unlikely M and Orson will have a brother or sister born this year....

I am determined to enjoy Spring and Summer this year. Despite the sadness this time of year will bring, I will be happy. I will be.