Not much hope

Well I am still here. Now 34 years old. My birthday was just over a week ago. I was 31 when I got pregnant with Orson and 32 when he was born. Seems like such a long time ago.

Nothing much has changed in my life lately. I am still not pregnant. Beginning to think it will never happen. When I lost Orson in July 2010 I found so many blogs of women who had also lost babies - most have either had babies since then or are now pregnant. It is the same with women I have met in forums. It gets very hard hearing so much good news when I don't have any to share myself.

I am trying to be positive. Trying to concentrate on the future. But I cannot escape the fact that my life isn't how I would like it and there is nothing I can do about it. I am trying to concentrate on Christmas. But I remember the last two Christmases. I discovered I was pregnant with Orson around Christmas time two years ago. I found out I was pregnant again about this time last year. At Christmas I had so much hope for this year. 2011 was going to be a very good year. But instead it has been very poor. Two miscarriages and six months since my last one and right now I am still not pregnant. I want to believe 2012 will be a good year but right now I don't have much hope for it.

Many Worlds Theory

Pandatolife at Tiny Glimmers wrote this post about alternate realities recently. It was nice to read as I had been thinking about a similar concept back in August after I watched the film Source Code with S.

Source Code is about alternate realities. After I finished watching it I said to S that it made no sense (I still think it made no sense). S has a theoretical physics phd and informed me the basis of the film is a mainstream theoretical physics theory called the Many Worlds Theory.

Some people think the many worlds theory could actually be correct. The website How Stuff Works explains the theory in more detail but here is a bit of what they say:

"As unsettling as it may sound, Everett's Many-Worlds interpretation has implications beyond the quantum level. If an action has more than one possible outcome, then -- if Everett's theory is correct -- the universe splits when that action is taken. This holds true even when a person chooses not to take an action.

This means that if you have ever found yourself in a situation where death was a possible outcome, then in a universe parallel to ours, you are dead."

When I heard this a few months back I burst into tears. Why? Well probably the wine I had consumed didn't help but there was another reason. If the theory is correct then there is another universe where Orson is alive. I am embarrassed to say it took me a while to get a grip and realise that I was being ridiculous. Firstly I do not believe the theory is correct. And secondly even if there is another universe out there where Orson lives it makes no difference - I am here in this universe where he is dead.

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Counselling verdict

My Consellor's verdict today - my well being is a bit low. Or to put it in English I'm a bit sad. Of course I had already noticed this.

I have had 11 sessions now and will not have any more. The sessions are provided by a charity and are supposed to be short term, normally just 10 but I was given an extra one. To be honest I am not sure continuing them would be all that beneficial any way. I think I would be just going over a lot of the same issues, or variations of the same issues. Talking about the issues again and again isn't going to change them.

I have to admit I was a bit sorry to stop having counselling. It has been nice knowing that I could tell the Counsellor my lowest of feelings and that I could talk about Orson and the miscarriages knowing that she wouldn't judge me. Or that if she did she wouldn't say she did. She reassured me that my feelings are completely normal.

But has it helped me? I did a test on my first day of counselling and I repeated it today. The test judges how you are feeling on a range of subjects. My scores 11 sessions later were almost identical. Everything is within normal ranges apart from my well being which scores lower than average, essentially I am sadder than the average person.

I was kind of hoping the counselling would be some kind of miracle cure for feeling sad. But it hasn't been. My conclusion? There is no cure. That in itself makes me a little sad. But I believe it will get better. I think time just happens, and as time happens life happens and slowly, very slowly it gets easier to cope. Counselling whilst helpful isn't a shortcut for time.

Apathy bubble

I think I am in an apathy bubble. Nothing much is happening and I haven't had opinions or thoughts that are strong enough to burst my bubble and make me write a post for a while. Even my non blogging life is a bit like that. I look in the mirror and think that I need to lose weight but that thought is not enough to make me exercise or stop me eating chocolates and crisps.




Life is just continuing. The second miscarriage has stopped me thinking too much of the future. I am not counting the months until I get pregnant again. I haven't lost hope of a baby one day but just think what is the point in hoping too much when I will just miscarry again? And if I don't well I have that dreaded pPROM to worry about. So I am dealing with it by not thinking about it. Or at least trying not to think about it. Ceasing to think about getting pregnant is impossible, there are far too many reminders for me. For example the other day I walked to work - a simple 20 minute walk - and I passed five heavily pregnant women (and they were not in one big group on their way home after an antenatal class). So forgetting is impossible.

And forgetting or at least thinking less of Orson is also impossible. I just cannot and I think I do not want to. So I still get sad. I am not moping around all the time but waves of sadness happen. I think of him and miss him. A day does not go by when I do not think of him.

I think I am tired. And fed up. I kind if feel like I am in limbo. And I do not know that I will get much better unless I have another baby. I suppose if I cannot I will eventually come to terms with it. And I am sure having another child will not automatically make things feel better, but it will help, I am certain of it.

So for now I am just carrying on and I continue to live in my apathy bubble. Looking after M, going to work, watching mind numbing television... the days and weeks are slipping by.

Maybe this is normal after all

Image from BBC News

Of course it could all be in my imagination but I often feel like people either assume I am back to my old pre-Orson self or if they think I am not then they assume I should be. Yes I act relatively normal and if you ask I probably even say I am okay but I am still not as okay as I used to be even eight months on.

So I was pleased to see this article yesterday. The article reports a study of levels of depression and anxiety for women in and after pregnancy and says,

"The UK/US team found women who had lost a baby in the past experienced significantly higher levels of anxiety and depression during their next pregnancy.

This continued nearly three years after they gave birth to a healthy baby."

It is nice to read an article which suggests that maybe my feelings are normal despite what I might think (rightly or wrongly) people's perceptions of how I should feel are.

I don't think you ever get over losing a baby but I like to think there will become a time when I do not get so upset so often, when maybe I can think about Orson without having to suppress the feeling of wanting to burst into tears. Okay so that is a little dramatic and it is not that bad all of the time but sometimes it still is.

Strength

A friend posted this on a Facebook Group recently:

"You Never Know How Strong You Are Until Being Strong Is Your Only Option" *

I really love the quote. It is something I have thought is true for some time now. I think it applies to us all.

Balaraman / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

* the quote was from Preemie Parenting on BCB (sorry no idea what that is so I can't give you a link!).

Stressful but fun birthday preparations

It was S's birthday yesterday. M and I had been preparing for a while. A week and a half ago we went to a pottery shop which encourages customers to paint their own purchases (Flying Saucers). We bought an espresso cup and saucer for S. M painted it an array of bright colours all on his own. I had planned to just have a look in the shop and return another day but was convinced to stay and let M paint the cup immediately. They claimed otherwise there would not be enough time to glaze and fire it. Of course M was in smart clothes and the shop had no aprons for him... Miraculously he emerged relatively paint free after having loads of fun.

We also made a birthday cake for S. A raspberry and almond sponge cake (see photo). The experience was a little more stressful than if I had been baking the cake on my own but M had a lot of fun and I did too. And the cake tastes lovely, so worth a little stress.

S's birthday went well. A mostly happy day. Only one sad moment for me. We were at a park in the centre of the city. One I haven't been to since April. It is on a hill and you can see almost all of the city from there. I looked around and spotted the green hills surrounding the city. I found myself thinking of Orson's funeral. I tried to look for the Crematorium which would have been on the hills somewhere but couldn't. I was almost in tears but M distracted me with his pleas to play on the swings and slide. I of course stopped feeling sorry for myself and relented and took him to the playground.

5 weeks since Orson died

Not been good at updating this blog but it is so hard to know what to say right now.

Physically I'm much better. It has been 5 weeks since Orson died. I should have been 36 weeks pregnant. I am still not back to my old self but that is just a mixture of the normal post pregnancy stuff and of course being very unfit! I haven't really been able to exercise all year. In January doctors told me not to do strenuous exercise because of early bleeding, so I interpreted that as no exercise and then of course i had 10 weeks of hardly moving at all before Orson was born. It has made me very unfit.

I am also keen to get my pre pregnancy shape back. But I know from having M it takes a long time. The doctors told me not to do any exercise until 6 weeks after the birth so I will try sit ups etc in a week or so. But I seem to recall it took at least 6 months after I had M before I was happier. But I guess the difference was I didn't really care then as I had M to concentrate on. Plus I had the added help of breastfeeding with M which burns loads of calories...

Emotionally I am acting more normal again. In the first few days an hour didn't go by where I didn't cry now I can function normally most of the time. It is worst at night. I just lie awake thinking about things, getting sad. I still break down at inappropriate times and I get upset with S and M more often than normal but they are coping with me.

M is starting to notice my weaknesses. He has taken to fake crying to get me to give him something he wants. In fact just asking for things works well with me at the moment. I think since nothing makes me happy I am just making him happy instead. I took him to shopping this week. My Mum had given him clothes that were too big so I exchanged them, I also got him a balloon and a new toy till (his favourite game is now shop keepers). I got nothing for me on this trip.

I find on the days M isn't in nursery I keep busy and get very tired just looking after him. I try and take him to places he likes (playground, aquarium etc) and I can act normally. I say act because I am always thinking about Orson and events around my pregnancy etc even when I seem ok.

I think it is easier for S because he wasn't the one who was pregnant. I am only now realising how close I was to Orson even though I never got to see him alive. I think it is because for the 10 weeks before he was born he was all I was concentrating on. The last few weeks I was even recording when I felt movements in the hope I would notice any decreases in movement and be able to get to the hospital in time for them to save him.