Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Three years ago. I slept well. I was happy. I woke up early. I felt you move. I thought you were safe. I drifted back to sleep. 

And then the pain. And the hospital. And the scans. And then no heartbeat.

Disbelief. Pain. Fear. 

Then I held you.

Three years later. It's your birthday. I cannot sleep. Tears run down my face.

I still miss you. I still love you. And I'm still so very sorry.


Just a quick hello

I'm posting again but I think it will be a minor blip. I just couldn't let Orson's third birthday pass without marking it here. I wrote the next post when I couldn't sleep last night.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Thank you and bye for now

I am sorry to say that I am not going to be posting here any more. I have thought about whether to continue blogging here but think it best to stop. At least for the foreseeable future. I am a little sad about this decision. This blog has been a big part of helping me to cope with Orson's death but I am just not posting regularly enough at the moment.

I want to thank all of you for being there for me since I started blogging. I have really appreciated your support. I would be lost without you all.


Monday, 15 October 2012

International Pregnancy and Baby Loss Awareness Day


Today is International Pregnancy and Baby Loss Awareness Day.

In the UK 17 babies are stillborn or die shortly after birth every day (ref: SANDs). In the UK stillbirth is defined as death of a baby before birth at 24 weeks gestation or above. In England and Wales 5 out of every 1000 babies are stillborn (just over 3000 a year) (ref: NHS Direct).

Last year I asked women from on-line groups I use on Facebook and SANDS if they herod like me to publish the first name of their baby and the date they died along with Orson's name and the date he died. I was overwhelmed by the amount of women who wanted their baby's name included in the list. Unfortunately I haven't been able to do this again this year, but you can click here to see last year's list.

Sunday, 30 September 2012

She's here

I am thrilled to be able to let you know that A arrived safely around two weeks ago. I was 37+1 weeks pregnant. She was born by planned c-section and weighed 6lb 11oz. She is perfectly healthy and we were home from hospital when she was two days old.

I will write more when I can.

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Hoping for a rainbow

So I suppose I am back to blogging again though I will apologise I don't think I will be too frequent at posting. We will have to see how it goes.

It has been a difficult few months. I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with a girl. The exact same gestation we lost Orson. My waters are still intact and the only physical problems I have had is some bleeding early in the second trimester and SPD. I never ever thought I would get this far in a pregnancy again.

I am probably not going to post much about this pregnancy. I am finding it very hard emotionally, every day I am terrified and writing about it here does not help. Physically too with the SPD it has been hard, sleep is often elusive because of the pain.

I have had lots of hospital appointments, cervical scans between 17 and 24 weeks and growth scans from 27 weeks. I have been on low dose aspirin and high dose folic acid throughout the pregnancy. So far everything is fine. They are continuing to monitor the baby's growth and my consultant has said that she will let me deliver at 37 weeks, so just 6 more weeks to go.

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

Please help Lila

Please join me in supporting Lila. Her mum is a friend of mine. Please share this link where ever you can:
Lila Tjader Support & Wellness Fund

Lila's mum is one of a small group of women who I met on-line two years ago when my waters broke early with Orson. During my 10 weeks of modified bedrest I would log on to a support group several times a day and chat with these women who were all going through exactly the same as me in dufferent parts of the world. After Orson died we stayed in touch and still chat on-line most days. Some of us lost babies but some like Lila survived.

Lila is now almost two years old and has cerebral palsy caused by her premature birth (her mum's waters broke around the same gestation as mine and Lila was born at around the same gestation as Orson). Her mother is trying to raise money to allow her to have hippotherapy (therapy with horses) to help strengthen her muscles so that she may one day sit, stand, and even walk unassisted. The therapy will hopefully have massive impact on her life.

You can also follow Lila on her Facebook page: Love for Lila Facebook Page

Thanks so much.