Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Postnatal appointment

I finally had a postnatal appointment at my local GP surgery yesterday. As I expected all seems well with me physically. The doctor noted that I have cervical erosion (though she called it an area of cervical ectropian, apparently nobody calls it cervical erosion anymore). She thinks that is why I have had spotting. I haven't had any in the last few weeks so hopefully it won't be a problem anymore. Cervical erosion is very common and nothing at all to be concerned about. I read somewhere that a lot of women on the pill or pregnant have it to some degree and never know about it.

The GP was strangely positive about things. She said it was good that we didn't know why Orson died and my waters broke. As you can imagine I didn't agree saying if we knew maybe we could do something about it next time. However her point of view was that if we knew maybe we couldn't do anything and maybe it would mean there was a high chance it would happen again. I am not entirely sure that lack information is good. She went on to say that as far as she is concerned she thinks physically there is no reason why we can't try to conceive whenever we are emotionally ready. She thinks the consultant will agree. 

But whilst the appointment itself was good arranging it was not. I originally went for the appointment last week. But my surgery mostly does walk in appointments. When I turned up they said I would have to wait over an hour to be seen and I couldn't be bothered so asked to book an appointment for this week. My surgery does baby check appointments with postnatal checks. When I asked for a postnatal appointment the receptionist kept trying to make a baby check one for me too. She eventually asked outright "has your baby been checked?" I had no choice but to say in front of a long queue of listeners and of course a very quiet waiting room where everybody could hear "no he was stillborn."

I coped by staring expressionless at the receptionist. It wasn't until I got home that I cried. I hate to say the word "stillborn" and it hurt to have to say it in these circumstances. I am feeling much more positive now (I wasn't for the rest of that day). 


  1. I really admire the network you have created here. It would have been such a comfort if I had known anyone who had gone through the experience I was having. Feeling like you're body has betrayed you, and might again is not a nice feeling.

    It seems most of the time there is never any concrete answer as to why PPROM occurs, which makes subsequent pregnancies terrifying. My PPROM happened in my third trimester and my son has escaped relatively unscathed, but there will always be that nagging doubt, that blame I hold for myself that I will never truly shake. Was it an infection I didnt notice? Was it from falling on the ice a few months prior? Was I leaking before I completely ruptured and just didnt realize it? So many questions. One I have learned to ignore since the two years my son was born.

    But even now he is impacted by his prematurity (speech delayed) and the questions always come back...what could I have done differently to prevent all these issues he has had to deal with?

    The answer is...probably nothing. No one could tell me why, and without that answer I can only guess and do my best in my new pregnancies to remain as vigilent as possible.

    As a mother who searched endlessly for the answers that would never come I sympathize with your quest to create a place that will help other women. For that fact I am linking you on my blog list, and I see you have already done so with mine.

    I am very sorry for your loss and that your story was not one of a scary but successful NICU journey. And I wish you tons of luck in any new pregnancies and hope you dont have to go through PPROM again.

    Much love,

    Carrie, from Our Journey.

  2. I remember my postnatal apttmnt too. It was hard, in my case, to hear that my Joey was okay. I felt so angry that she had to go just because of pPROM. Like Carrie said though, maybe we will always live with this mommy guilt. Somehow I got used to saying stillborn with my infertility doctor and nurses; but I admit that I am in shock sometimes when I say it. The other word I despise is "fetal demise." Makes my child sound like an object.

  3. Having never lost a child I can only imagine the pain you must feel. My cousin lost her baby at 21 weeks due to an incompetent cervix and when she's ready to she plans on getting his name memorialized.

    I found this site for her and she thought it was beautiful, perhaps you will too.


  4. Thank you so much for your comments.

    Carrie - I will have a look at the site you gave me.