Orson's birth... and death

This is the story of Orson's birth.

Thursday had been a good day. No bleeding and Orson moved a lot. I woke up at 7:30 am. Friday and again Orson moved. Since I was tired I went back to sleep. At 9:30 I woke up with a mild ache low in my pelvis. It lasted 1 or 2 seconds. Half an hour later and I felt another. I had a routine appointment at midday, thought I felt Orson move and was convinced this wasn't labour. It didn't feel like the contractions I had felt with my first son. My bump did not get at all tight.

So I carried on as normal. My partner took our son to nursery and I got ready. A few minutes before I was about to leave I noticed the pain was worse and more frequent. But still it didn't feel like a contraction and the pain was mild.

When I got to the hospital I asked to be seen immediately. I asked for paracetamol. Still not realising I was in labour. They scanned me and found a heartbeat and absolutely no fluid. Orson was still transverse possibly a bit oblique. During the 5 minute scan the pain intensified dramatically and came every 2 minutes. The midwife realised I was in labour. I was shocked it felt nothing like with my first son.

The midwife left me and my partner in the scan room and went to call the labour and delivery ward. She was gone less than 5 minutes. By the time she came back the pain was almost unbearable and when I tried to move I felt very sick and dizzy. They got me a wheelchair and took me down to the new ward in the lift. By now I was screaming and begging them to help the pain stop. Unlike with my first son it just did not ease it felt constant then occasionally got worse.

They scanned me again. By now I was surrounded by doctors and midwives. I didn't notice who scanned me first, then a doctor scanned me and I saw her whisper no heartbeat to my consultant. My consultant scanned me, before she could start I said "you can't find a heartbeat can you?" she said no and said she was going to scan me thoroughly and would be very quiet while she did. She found nothing. Orson had died in the 10 minutes or so it took me to get to the labour and delivery ward.

It must have been about midday. They checked and I was 8cm dilated. They gave me pethidine and then they explained that Orson was still in a bad position for delivery but they were going to try their best to let me deliver vaginally as a c-secton would have a bigger impact on me and could effect future pregnancies.

An anaesthetist gave me an epidural. It was so hard to stay still for that whilst I was in so much pain. But when it finally worked it was great.

They put a cannula in each hand. They started me on IV antibiotics as they decided I looked very ill. They took blood samples etc.

I didn't cry. I think I must have been in shock. I was just numb. By 5:30 they checked me again. I was fully dilated. Orson's arm had prolapsed. He was still in a vary bad position. They scanned me again. A consultant told me that he would try and move Orson but that it would be very difficult because my uterus had never grown any bigger than him because I had never had enough fluid. My bicornuate uterus made it even harder. I was told if they couldn't move him I would need a c-section.

They prepared me for a c-section. S put on his blue scrubs. I was told the risk of a c-section and signed the consent form. The only risk I recall was one which led to hysterectomy. I just remember thinking, no I want another child, please no.

It was about now that I realised I felt very cold and was shaking uncontrollably. They took my temperature, it was about 38.7 degrees C. They put me on a paracetamol drip. They took more blood samples and cultures before they wheeled me to theatre.

I have never been so scared as I was in theatre. They gave me a spinal which meant I was completely numb from my arms down and had a big sheet up to stop me seeing anything. S sat one side of my head the anaesthetist the other. So so scary.

It was half six when the Consultant told me he had delivered Orson. He was breech. He then had to manually remove the placenta.

S saw Orson first whilst still in theatre. I chose to wait. I didn't want him far away though. Whilst they wheeled me to my room they pushed Orson in his little cot.

He looked big to me. Not like the small premature baby I had expected. He was the same weight as the average 34 week old premature baby, 4 lb 11 oz. I kept him in my room until about 3 or 4 the next day. The midwives lifted him out of his cot three times for me to hold. One unwrapped his blanket to show me his foot and hand. So small but perfect. It was so hard to say goodbye. To tell him I loved him and that I was sorry. My partner told me to hold him as long as I wanted but I knew they had to take him away because I didn't ever want to let him go.

I had to stay in hospital another two nights. The first night I couldn't leave the bed, the spinal took ages to wear off and I had a catheter. In the morning I felt dizzy and sick. My blood pressure was very low so they gave me saline. I was on IV antibiotics until the night before I was discharged.

My stomach hurt loads because they had manipulated me so much. I also tore and had stitches.

Leaving hospital without Orson was heartbreaking. I hate how I can't look after him anymore.

They told me I had a staph infection in hospital. I was on oral antibiotics when I came out for a week. Now I'm just on iron tablets. The combination of birth and masses of blood tests they ran on me made me anaemic.

My stomach doesn't ache any more. It just hurts low down in my pelvis if it's pressed. I am incredibly sore where I tore and everywhere else down there. It is very painful using the toilet and walking around for very long. Much worse than with my first son. They reckon it is because it was so difficult to manipulate Orson my bladder and everything else down there got bruised. I was told to give it another two weeks and then to see my GP if the pain is no better.

We have arranged Orson's funeral for the 30th July. I should have been 34 weeks by then...

I said yesterday that I get sad and think of Orson every hour but as I said it I realised it is more than that, it's just that I only lose it and actually cry once an hour. Orson and the sadness is always there. I wouldn't want anybody to go through this. To not be able to hear your baby cry, to see him move, to tell him you love him is truly awful.