Sunday, 24 July 2011

The day Orson should have been one

In my mind Orson's first birthday was going to be a perfect day. A peaceful day.

It wasn't perfect. It wasn't peaceful. It was hard. Really hard. It was sad. Very sad.

In retrospect I understand why it was the way it was. How could it be perfect and peaceful? Orson should have been there and since he wasn't it was a difficult day. Me and S were both sad, both struggling. Everything was difficult to cope with.

We told M about his little brother in the morning. We showed him Orson's photos. He of course had questions:

"Why didn't I hold him?"
"Why isn't he at our home?"

and many comments:

"I miss him"
"I want him in our home"

M's questions and comments made me even more sad. Other children get little brothers or sisters, ones that survive - why can't M?

I remembered M's first birthday. How happy I was, how excited to get him presents - why couldn't Orson be around for his first birthday?

We released a balloon for Orson. Again it was hard. How can you get the perfect balloon to release? What is the best place to release it? The answer is there isn't a perfect balloon or a perfect place. It is just wrong that we couldn't buy that balloon and give it to Orson instead of watching it in the distance until we could no longer see it.


  1. Sending hugs. I'm a few weeks away from my son's 1st birthday and I'm wondering how hard it will be.

  2. I just realized that Kaia was born on the one year anniversary of Orson's birthday/death day. I'm sorry if it was hard to read of my pPROM baby surviving around that time.

  3. Thanks both of you.

    Emily - I am glad that Kaia shares Orson's birthday, I am so thrilled that she made it. It is lovely to think that you will be able to celebrate with happiness every year on Orson's birthday.

  4. Happy Bday, Orson... I am sorry you and your husband had a difficult day. Thinking of you.

  5. I'm so sorry LouMary. it's not fair. His birthday should have been filled with laughter and tears of joy. Not grief. I wish there was something I could say to give you some measure of relief. I know there isn't. instead i'll just say... Im sorry.