It wasn't perfect. It wasn't peaceful. It was hard. Really hard. It was sad. Very sad.
In retrospect I understand why it was the way it was. How could it be perfect and peaceful? Orson should have been there and since he wasn't it was a difficult day. Me and S were both sad, both struggling. Everything was difficult to cope with.
We told M about his little brother in the morning. We showed him Orson's photos. He of course had questions:
"Why didn't I hold him?"
"Why isn't he at our home?"
and many comments:
"I miss him"
"I want him in our home"
M's questions and comments made me even more sad. Other children get little brothers or sisters, ones that survive - why can't M?
I remembered M's first birthday. How happy I was, how excited to get him presents - why couldn't Orson be around for his first birthday?
We released a balloon for Orson. Again it was hard. How can you get the perfect balloon to release? What is the best place to release it? The answer is there isn't a perfect balloon or a perfect place. It is just wrong that we couldn't buy that balloon and give it to Orson instead of watching it in the distance until we could no longer see it.