Ilyas and Amira

A virtual candle for Ilyas & Amira, born after pPROM a year ago today.

Image: foto76 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The day Orson should have been one

In my mind Orson's first birthday was going to be a perfect day. A peaceful day.

It wasn't perfect. It wasn't peaceful. It was hard. Really hard. It was sad. Very sad.

In retrospect I understand why it was the way it was. How could it be perfect and peaceful? Orson should have been there and since he wasn't it was a difficult day. Me and S were both sad, both struggling. Everything was difficult to cope with.

We told M about his little brother in the morning. We showed him Orson's photos. He of course had questions:

"Why didn't I hold him?"
"Why isn't he at our home?"

and many comments:

"I miss him"
"I want him in our home"

M's questions and comments made me even more sad. Other children get little brothers or sisters, ones that survive - why can't M?

I remembered M's first birthday. How happy I was, how excited to get him presents - why couldn't Orson be around for his first birthday?

We released a balloon for Orson. Again it was hard. How can you get the perfect balloon to release? What is the best place to release it? The answer is there isn't a perfect balloon or a perfect place. It is just wrong that we couldn't buy that balloon and give it to Orson instead of watching it in the distance until we could no longer see it.

Happy Birthday

I have lots to tell you all. Lots of post ideas but this post is all about birthdays.

It is birthday time, literal birthday time.



A friend gave birth to her daughter at 38 weeks this week. This is just over a year after her first child, Matilda died following pPROM. She had a non pPROM pregnancy this time around. I don't want to mention her name or her new daughter's name just in case she doesn't want it mentioned on the internet. But I am incredibly happy that her little girl is safe and well. Welcome to the world Matilda's little sister.

And also this week Emily from Aidan, baby of mine gave birth to Kaia. Emily lost Aidan following pPROM last year and again suffered pPROM in her pregnancy with Kaia. But little Kaia defied the odds and was born at roughly 32 weeks and is now just over a week old. She is still in the NICU. I'm wishing her a short uneventful NICU stay and I'm hoping she is home with her parents really soon.

Tomorrow

Had he survived Orson would have been one year old tomorrow.

Not sure what we will do tomorrow yet. What on earth is an appropriate thing to do to commemorate your son's death? I think there is nothing appropriate.

I have found myself re-reading my "For Orson" page today. My memories of Orson are all listed there. All written a long time ago shortly after Orson's death. I was scared I would forget if I didn't write everything down. Indeed some of the memories had slipped my mind so I am glad I have this record of them to jog my memory.

I tried to look through the list of memories to pick one that stands out and I cannot. They are all important to me.

I miss him.

M's steps to achieving happiness

I asked M (now 3 1/2 years old) to give me ideas on how to be happy today. These are his steps to achieving happiness:

Step one - eat chocolate.

Step two - smile.

Step three - let someone (preferably M) tickle you.

Is it just chance?

It is the second day after my ERPC and I am in a very different place to where I was two days after my first miscarriage. Last time I was upset at the delay to getting a new baby this time I am just feeling very bleak. Very sad. I am wondering what is the point - if I get pregnant again won't I just miscarry again?

If the chance of miscarriage for my age range is 15% the chance of two consecutive miscarriages is just 2%. That statistic shocked me. Am I really that unlucky? Pprom / Stillbirth must be a less than 1% chance and then two miscarriages at 2% chance... Of course that is my fear maybe it is not that I am unlucky maybe there is an underlying factor causing me to miscarry.

I am not saying I am giving up but my hope is dwindling right now. After the first miscarrage I found myself calculating in my head things like:

Time before I can ttc again: 1 month
Time to ttc: 3 months
Time of pregnancy: 9 months
So time to new baby = 1 year 1 month.

Now my calculation is this:

Time before I can ttc again: 1 month
Time to ttc: 3 months
Time of pregnancy: 3 months
So time to next ERPC = 7 months

If my chance of first trimester miscarriage really is 15% then the chance of three consecutive miscarriages is 0.34%. Assuming it is a chance problem with no other factors involved. Even if my chance is as high as 25% the chance of 3 miscarriages in a row is about 1.5%. That is low.

Hoping my optimism will return soon. And happiness - I would love to be happy again.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net