Friday, 17 September 2010

In 2010 Autumn will be better than Summer

I follow a website called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. It has many stories submitted by women who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss. I have decided to accept their monthly writing challenge. This month they would like women to write a post on their blogs' describing how the changing of seasons (from Summer to Autumn) impacted them in their grief journey.

Image: Evgeni Dinev /
Orson died 10 weeks ago today. July 9th. It was the middle of Summer, soon it will be Autumn and I can already see that as time goes on it gets a little easier to cope. I still think of Orson all of the time but I can now think of him without getting upset. I still cry, but there have been days when I do not cry. Some days are better than others. Today is a good day.

This Autumn I hope to return to work a big step considering how long I have been off work now. My last day in work was in April. The day before my waters broke. It will be strange going back. Knowing the last time I was in work I was pregnant. Maybe it will be good for me, allowing me to get back to my normal life from before Orson died. Then again why should everything ever be normal again?

The start of Autumn is going to be very different to the start of Summer. I am not the same person I was at the start of the Summer. I will never be that women again. At the start of summer I was resting at home. We had great weather but I didn't get to go outside and enjoy it. My waters had broken. I knew Orson's chances were not good. But there was hope. Hope and possibility that by Autumn we would have another son and we would be struggling to look after a two year old and a new born baby at the same time. I would have loved to have that struggle!

I know there still is hope. But it is not the same kind of hope. Orson is gone forever. Our new hope will have to be that one day we will be able to add to our family again. But that seems like a very distant possibility right now. My hope is that by this time next year I will be pregnant again but we will have to wait and see what our consultant recommends about trying to conceive again. Hopefully she won't expect us to wait a year to try again.

I have drifted off topic now, no longer talking about the contrast between Summer and Autumn. But I think that is just me right now. I am easily distracted. Perhaps by the end of Autumn I will be less distracted. Autumn will be less eventful, less worrisome and less sad. In 2010 Autumn will be better than Summer.

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