Sunday, 18 September 2011

Nobody can tell

One thing the past year has taught me is that in the case of fertility and pregnancy related problems you really cannot tell what a person has experienced just from looking at them.

Perhaps the 40 year old with no children just never wanted kids, maybe she never met the right man, maybe she has been pregnant and lost her baby or maybe she cannot get pregnant. In the last three cases the women probably acts like the first women. Unless you know her well you will probably not be able to categorise which category she fits into.

So what possesses those of us who have infertility / pregnancy related problems to act like the women who never wanted children (or in my case the women who only wants one child). I have been wondering a bit about this lately.

So more specifically why do I often act like Orson never existed?

Because I think:

- that is how I should behave.

- strangers would choose not want to know about Orson.

- friend's and family already know how I feel and don't really want to hear about it again, it might upset them or make them uncomfortable.

- it would upset me to talk about Orson.

- people think I shouldn't be so obsessed over a year on.

- it's easier.

So a week ago at a child's party when the grandmother of the birthday boy asked if we "had any more children at home" I said no which is of course the truth, but even if she had said "is M your only child?" I would have answered yes. And why? For all the reasons above.


  1. I could have written this myself. I am also guilty of answering no when asked if I have kids because it's just easier that way. Most days I just don't feel like getting into it with strangers and acquaintnances. Both because it's easier for me and because I always figure they really don't want to know.

  2. You've been through so much this heart aches with yours. I wish we knew all the medical answers to have a full term pregnancy. You are most definitely in my thoughts as a fellow pPROM mom. Regarding not telling people, it's a mix of people pleasing for me knowing they don't like to feel uncomfortable and me not trusting people with sharing about my precious daughter.