Six months ago today

Six months ago Orson was born. I rarely phrase it that way. I tend to say he died in labour simply because it feels wrong to say he was born when he never got the chance to breathe.

I have come a long way in six months. The time has flown by compared to the weeks before his death which were extremely slow. I am in a much better place than I was however I still have my moments.

I was looking at photos of my partner S with his older brother taken when they were young children. I found myself trying to see if M looked like S. And then enevatably I found myself wondering about Orson. S's mother was here and when we were looking at one of the photos she even said "two little brothers."

I can't help but feel that we should already have photos of M and his brother. Instead M doesn't know about Orson. He was only two when he died and we felt he was too young to understand. We will tell him one day when he is a little older and show him photos.

And then I found myself wondering if we will ever have photos of M and a younger brother or sister. If you had asked me a year ago I would have said yes, now I really don't know. I hope so.