Whilst my Christmas was surprisingly happy the lead up to the new year has been surprisingly sad. Nothing bad actually happened but I have been feeling a little lower than usual.
A year ago on New Year's Eve I found out I was pregnant with Orson. The new year started off with lots of hope. I knew that there was a chance of miscarriage but I thought if it was to happen it would be early. If it happened I thought we would be fine and move on quickly. I was hopeful that by now we would either have a baby brother or sister for M or I would be heavily pregnant. I never ever even for a second thought we would be where we are right now; parents to a stillborn baby boy.
A few days ago I found myself looking through photos of Orson, something I don't do often. Generally I only look through the photos when I am feeling sad. I found myself trying hard to imagine how Orson would have looked had he lived, how he would have moved...
I can review my feelings on 2010 in a few simple words; sad, unfair, a nightmare... I could go on so maybe a few words aren't enough after all. Those words really don't do 2010 justice, they don't describe how bad it was. Thinking about it this whole blog to date covers my thoughts on 2010 and there is still a lot more I want to write.
I do not know if I will ever completely get over 2010. It has already got easier to cope and I know it will continue to get easier to cope. I will continue to hope that 2011 will be fabulous. Please, please can it be a fabulous year?