Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Trying

Trying to conceive.

Trying to get pregnant

Trying for a baby

One thing they all have in common is the word trying. Trying is included in these phrases because there is a chance you might not succeed. Those of us trying to get pregnant are all too aware of this.

I decided to research euphemisms for trying to conceive (30 seconds on Google searching for "euphemism trying to conceive.") I didn't do too well but instead found an article which was kind of funny. If you have ever spent some time trying to conceive you may find this funny too so I thought I would share it with you. The full article can be found here. I am in no way trying to imply that the article or website is at all factually correct, hopefully you know I know it is not. My intention is not to offend only merely to make you laugh. It was just the start of the article that I found funny and so that is what I have reproduced below for you:

Breathe: A Guy's Guide to Pregnancy
By Mason Brown


Trying to Get Pregnant

Getting pregnant doesn't just happen. You have to work at it (unless you're dating an unwed teen, in which case pregnancy can occur via contact with a doorknob).

Amazingly enough, science has proved beyond doubt that the odds of conception are inversely proportional to the desirability of conception. A simple graph renders this concept easy to grasp.



This immutable law of nature results in a curious corollary — the more financially successful a couple is, the more likely they are "trying" to have a baby. "Trying to have a baby" is a euphemism for "rogering like feral weasels," which is in turn a euphemism for "having sex often."

Some couples proudly announce that they are trying to have a baby without realizing that they are presenting an unsavory visual picture to their audience, who immediately conjure up the image of the naked wife doing a headstand while her husband cheers his mighty swimmers onward. More often than not, this visual image is uncannily accurate.

Still others try to conceal their efforts, feeling that failure to conceive reflects badly on themselves. Unfortunately for these shy souls, it is all too easy to tell when a couple is really making an effort. In such cases, one or more of the following symptoms will appear:

FOR THE MAN

Drowsiness
Irritability
Heightened desire to watch SportsCenter

FOR THE WOMAN

Normal post-coital glow replaced by grim attitude of soldier in the trenches
Constant concern over husband's choice of briefs rather than boxers
Neck strain from standing on her head after sex

Obviously, if a couple would really, truly make good parents, then all efforts to conceive are rendered futile. Nature abhors functional families. So, if you really want your wife to get pregnant, forget fertility clinics — institute divorce proceedings. Just remember to have one last drunken, abusive fling before separating. You'll be a daddy in no time.

1 comment:

  1. brill post made me laugh

    Ellie_Joe

    ReplyDelete