Friday, 18 February 2011
Isn't it strange how although nothing changes from day to day some days are easier than others?
The day I went back to work I struggled a lot. I found myself almost in tears for most of the day. I kept expecting people would ask why I had been off work and had no idea what I would tell them. Of course lots of my colleagues already knew, but thankfully of those that didn't know nobody asked me outright why I had been away from work, although I did get asked if I was feeling better. To which I just replied "yes."
Straight after the miscarriage I struggled. But I think that is probably normal. I found myself having trouble getting to sleep at night. I thought about Orson a lot. How if he had survived I would never have tried to get pregnant again. Of how I missed him. It didn't help how the operation (erpc) I had was in the same hospital and even the same Theatre where I ended up when I had Orson.
I have had lots of 'feeling sorry for myself' thoughts. Most of these thoughts involve the immense time it takes to conceive and give birth to babies (without having a miscarriage, stillbirth etc). As I have said before it makes me wonder why people ever bother to use birth control as it feels so difficult to have children. I know it isn't the case with everyone. And that hurts. The fact that some people have babies easily, I know I have M and I am very grateful I have him. I have it better than a lot of women who have lost babies but then there are just so many who have had it even better than me...
But I am not going to dwell on these negative feelings today. I WILL be positive. It is hard to be positive about a pregnancy ending in miscarriage, but i will attempt it here for your amusement:
1. Whilst we didn't conceive this latest pregnancy ultra quickly we did conceive. I don't have any infertility problems. I have been pregnant 3 times. We can do it a forth time.
2. I didn't have any bleeding in my latest pregnancy until I started to miscarry. With my pregnancy with Orson bleeding started at just 6 weeks and my consultant thinks that may have ultimately caused my waters to break. So 2/3 of my pregnancies have not had really early bleeding, maybe that will be a trend?
3. The Consultant believes there is no connection between the miscarriage and losing Orson. I was just unlucky. But then combine anything with stillbirth and you are unlucky. Very unlucky.