Party, party, party

Friends have sold their house, quit their jobs and are about to embark on a round the world trip for a year. They had a party to celebrate. This was to be my first group social outing since Orson's death. S and M went with me.

My first dilemma was what to wear. This wasn't to be a formal occasion but still I wanted to find the perfect outfit, one that made me look like my old self. However after a quick look in a shop I soon decided that I might as well wear something I already owned so in the end I wore jeans and a lacy green vest top. Sadly the jeans were a size larger than my normal size, ones I bought whilst in the early stages of my pregnancy before maternity clothes became essential - need to work on the exercise...

Any of you that know me will be aware that I don't do make up. I wear a little but try to go for a natural look. I try to be the me without make up if only I had that perfect complexion. Well I haven't really bothered with make up in a long while which was evident to S when I came out the bathroom and asked him how I looked, he replied that I looked great if I was trying to loom like a vampire... So back to the bathroom for a second attempt! My excuse? I was rushed, bad lighting, lack if practice, a new lipstick... okay I know I am almost 33 and I should have figured the make up thing out by now.

Image: Maggie Smith / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The party was good. We didn't stay to the end as we had to go home to get M to bed but I enjoyed my first proper social outing in a long time. Only one awkward moment. It happened very soon after I arrived when I was chatting to a women I hadn't met before. After asking me how old M was she quickly asked if he was my only child. I think I probably emphasised that he was a little to firmly and then looked away quickly, ending the conversation rather too abruptly. But I expect she didn't even notice, how I wish I could have just told her I have two children...

Just complaining

I finally got a letter in the post yesterday giving me an appointment at the hospital to see my Consultant. 18th October. Ages away. I was told after I had Orson it would be 6 weeks after the birth. I hadn't heard anything last week so called the hospital. That wasn't a fun experience as I ended up being transferred twice and had to explain the situation. I just hate having to say my son was stillborn. One very confused women seemed bewildered as to why I was calling and even asked if I was pregnant again. No. Eventually I got through to my Consultant's PA who knew what I was talking about and said she would put a letter in the post.

I just thought I would be seen earlier. I know my Consultant isn't going to be able to say for definite why Orson died or why my waters broke but I would like to hear her opinion. I also want her opinion on how long to wait before trying to conceive again. I have heard some women have been told to wait a year after pPROM. I hope she doesn't recommend that for me. I can't wait a year. I also want to know what treatment I can expect in a future pregnancy. I have heard between 20 to 40% of women pPROM again. It is terrifying.

Today was Orson's due date. I Never thought he would actually arrive today but it is still a sad day. I went to bed very early in the morning, just after midnight and found myself crying. I always imagined he would be early so thought I would have a baby who was two or three weeks old right now.

I intend to keep busy today, trying not to dwell on the sadness I feel. So off to lunch with M and a friend.

The kindness of others

Yesterday afternoon whilst M was sleeping my doorbell rang. A woman from a toddler group I take M to had come to give me a massive bunch of flowers. I haven't been to toddler group since April. I had said I would go yesterday but completely forgot about it. The flowers came with a note welcoming me and M back. So lovely, can't believe I forgot to go.

People have been lovely throughout my pprom experience and following the loss of Orson. I have had many emails from colleagues at work, even ones I was not really close to. Work even sent me the largest bunch of flowers I have ever seen just after Orson died. Honestly I was amazed how huge these flowers were, they even came with their own vase.

I have had many emails from friends and relatives. I appreciate every one. I am not too good at replying but I really appreciate the messages. It has surprised me that so many people care and that those that are most supportive are not necessarily those I expected to be most supportive.

There are a few people that were invaluable in allowing us to continue our pregnancy after pprom. Our parents visited often. S's Mum stayed a couple of times staying for a whole week on one occasion and my Mum stayed many times. I am very grateful to her. And almost every day she would send me an email in the morning as well as phoning in the evening.

My parents were also on stand by throughout the last 10 weeks to drive to us if I went into labour so that S could be with me in hospital. In fact they did just that the day I had Orson. They picked M up from Nursery for us and looked after him, staying for the weekend while I was in hospital.

A close friend I'll call Ms T was also on standby throughout the 10 weeks. She agreed to help day or night and look after M before my parents arrived. My parents live a 2 1/2 hour drive away. Ms T also visited me loads and was a great help. She turned up with cakes on many occasions much to M's delight.

It could have been us

I have been a little sad today. Firstly my son, M has had his first day in the Preschool Class at nursery. When I dropped him off he asked me if a some of his friends were there, but one has moved to France, the other is on holiday and the third doesn't move up to his class for another month. The teacher was great and went to get him a Horsey to play on (a Horsey is a trike that looks like a horse). M loves the Horseys and whizzes around on them in the garden. But today he sat on one and just stared at me looking sad as I left. All the way to nursery he kept asking if I could stay with him.

The other reason I am sad is of course Orson.

I am a member of a pProm Support Group. An online group of women who have been through pProm or are currently going through it. Today a women in the group announced she had her little boy on 1st Sept. Whilst I am very happy for her I am sad because it makes me think that it could have been us. Her little baby boy is a miracle and his story was so similar to Orson's up until this point. I'll call this women Ms E to make it easier to describe her in this blog entry.

Ms E's water broke at about 19 weeks and she delivered her son by c-section at 31 weeks and 6 days. After rupture she only ever had an AFI of about 1.5cm. She had bleeding on and off and her baby had decelerations on heart rate traces towards the end. Just like Orson. He was born with Pulmonary Hypoplasia, Patent Ductus Arteriosus and a pneumothorax. He is currently on the highest settings of respiratory support. He weighed 3lb 5 oz. Things are very difficult for Ms E and her family right now. They have a huge struggle ahead but they have a chance. I wish them so much strength and luck to get through their struggle and bring their baby home healthy.

Ms E's little boy and his story remind me so much of Orson. Would he have been like her son had he been born alive? At 4lbs 11oz would Orson have been better off? Or would he not have made it at all.. I think he would have made it.

I walked down the street crying after I dropped M off at nursery, passed a delivery man who gave me a very funny look...

It will get better I know.

Nursery open day and my dire need to get in shape

Today they had an open day at M's nursery. I think they must have had them before but I have never been. It was space themed. They had really spent ages decorating the nursery, with rockets, aliens etc. M loved it, playing with glitter, torches in the dark, painting, eating cakes, he had helped cook the day before and playing in the ball pool. It was lovely as we could stay with him and of course we never normally get to do that.

Have I said they are moving M up to the preschool class in Sept? I can't believe it, seems too early! But I think he'll like it, he has had trial days there already and seems ok. Normally they move up when they are 3, but I think they have too many younger kids coming up to his current class and of course have other older children leaving and going to school.

There is a party for the children moving to preschool on Thursday. So I'm going to go along with M as it isn't his normal nursery day. I'm sure he'll like it.

We went to Birmingham for the night a week or so ago. S organized it. Never been before. It was nice to get away, although I was not at all excited about going away. It is hard to get excited about things since Orson died. They had a dinosaur exhibit on at the museum there. Lots of life sized dinosaurs moving etc. M loved it. He has been excited by dinosaurs ever since!

I finally got around to weighing myself today. Scary! I have about 3/4 stone to lose to get to the weight I was at Christmas when I found out I was pregnant. And to be honest I have been a lot lighter than that before. S unhelpfully pointed out cutting out chocolate etc might help! Trouble is when I'm feeling down I do tend to eat sweet things like chocolate and I tend to have lots of sad times right now... But am going to try and be stronger, and hopefully start doing some exercise too. Because I didn't move around for the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy I just put on loads of weight. I found it easy to lose weight after M because I didn't put much on and I breastfed for ages. I want to figure out exercise that will help reduce the size of my stomach. I still look quite a bit pregnant, not great. I usually just do running which probably won't help too much for that area. Of course I have always been useless at getting motivated about exercise.

I really am very unfit though. Playing on the Wii with M this afternoon was exhausting. And according to the Wii I burnt hardly any calories!

5 weeks since Orson died

Not been good at updating this blog but it is so hard to know what to say right now.

Physically I'm much better. It has been 5 weeks since Orson died. I should have been 36 weeks pregnant. I am still not back to my old self but that is just a mixture of the normal post pregnancy stuff and of course being very unfit! I haven't really been able to exercise all year. In January doctors told me not to do strenuous exercise because of early bleeding, so I interpreted that as no exercise and then of course i had 10 weeks of hardly moving at all before Orson was born. It has made me very unfit.

I am also keen to get my pre pregnancy shape back. But I know from having M it takes a long time. The doctors told me not to do any exercise until 6 weeks after the birth so I will try sit ups etc in a week or so. But I seem to recall it took at least 6 months after I had M before I was happier. But I guess the difference was I didn't really care then as I had M to concentrate on. Plus I had the added help of breastfeeding with M which burns loads of calories...

Emotionally I am acting more normal again. In the first few days an hour didn't go by where I didn't cry now I can function normally most of the time. It is worst at night. I just lie awake thinking about things, getting sad. I still break down at inappropriate times and I get upset with S and M more often than normal but they are coping with me.

M is starting to notice my weaknesses. He has taken to fake crying to get me to give him something he wants. In fact just asking for things works well with me at the moment. I think since nothing makes me happy I am just making him happy instead. I took him to shopping this week. My Mum had given him clothes that were too big so I exchanged them, I also got him a balloon and a new toy till (his favourite game is now shop keepers). I got nothing for me on this trip.

I find on the days M isn't in nursery I keep busy and get very tired just looking after him. I try and take him to places he likes (playground, aquarium etc) and I can act normally. I say act because I am always thinking about Orson and events around my pregnancy etc even when I seem ok.

I think it is easier for S because he wasn't the one who was pregnant. I am only now realising how close I was to Orson even though I never got to see him alive. I think it is because for the 10 weeks before he was born he was all I was concentrating on. The last few weeks I was even recording when I felt movements in the hope I would notice any decreases in movement and be able to get to the hospital in time for them to save him.

Orson's funeral

Nobody should have to have a funeral for their baby. We did. it is surreal, I cannot believe we had to do it. 30th July 2010 became the day we said good bye to our little Orson for the last time.

Here is the story of that day.

We thought it would take ages to get to the crematorium but forgot it was the school holidays, so we had loads of time to spare. We went for a walk around the grounds before hand. It was nice and peaceful there. Lots of trees. It was on a big hill and you could see the Clifton Suspension Bridge, Ashton Court, Clifton Village, you couldn't quite see our house but almost.

We were surprised that they brought Orson to the service in a black funeral car. I imagined he would already be there. I had been thinkng about it and getting so upset the day before. I was thinking about him leaving the hospital and how we should have been with him.

He had a very small light brown wooden coffin with brass coloured handles. There was a brass plaque on top with his name inscribed. They had put a white carnation on top.

Since it was just me and S the chaplain came right over to us and bent down so she could just do the service as if she was chatting to us. No idea what she said. Afterwards me and S went over to Orson, touched the coffin and said goodbye. We said we love him and that we were sorry.

The funeral only took about 10 minutes.

Afterwards we didn't want to leave immediately so walked around the grounds for ages before coming home. We went for lunch out and had a nice glass of red wine.

A very quiet simple funeral for our little baby.