5 weeks since Orson died

Not been good at updating this blog but it is so hard to know what to say right now.

Physically I'm much better. It has been 5 weeks since Orson died. I should have been 36 weeks pregnant. I am still not back to my old self but that is just a mixture of the normal post pregnancy stuff and of course being very unfit! I haven't really been able to exercise all year. In January doctors told me not to do strenuous exercise because of early bleeding, so I interpreted that as no exercise and then of course i had 10 weeks of hardly moving at all before Orson was born. It has made me very unfit.

I am also keen to get my pre pregnancy shape back. But I know from having M it takes a long time. The doctors told me not to do any exercise until 6 weeks after the birth so I will try sit ups etc in a week or so. But I seem to recall it took at least 6 months after I had M before I was happier. But I guess the difference was I didn't really care then as I had M to concentrate on. Plus I had the added help of breastfeeding with M which burns loads of calories...

Emotionally I am acting more normal again. In the first few days an hour didn't go by where I didn't cry now I can function normally most of the time. It is worst at night. I just lie awake thinking about things, getting sad. I still break down at inappropriate times and I get upset with S and M more often than normal but they are coping with me.

M is starting to notice my weaknesses. He has taken to fake crying to get me to give him something he wants. In fact just asking for things works well with me at the moment. I think since nothing makes me happy I am just making him happy instead. I took him to shopping this week. My Mum had given him clothes that were too big so I exchanged them, I also got him a balloon and a new toy till (his favourite game is now shop keepers). I got nothing for me on this trip.

I find on the days M isn't in nursery I keep busy and get very tired just looking after him. I try and take him to places he likes (playground, aquarium etc) and I can act normally. I say act because I am always thinking about Orson and events around my pregnancy etc even when I seem ok.

I think it is easier for S because he wasn't the one who was pregnant. I am only now realising how close I was to Orson even though I never got to see him alive. I think it is because for the 10 weeks before he was born he was all I was concentrating on. The last few weeks I was even recording when I felt movements in the hope I would notice any decreases in movement and be able to get to the hospital in time for them to save him.