It seems almost traditional to wait until you are past the first trimester to share your good news. That is presumably because the chance of miscarriage drops dramatically after about 12 weeks. And for some reason early miscarriage is treated like some kind of dirty secret that you don't want people to know about.
In my first pregnancy with M I waited a lot longer than 12 weeks to tell people I was pregnant. I was 16 weeks when I told my parents and 21 weeks when I told everybody else. It was almost as if I didn't really believe I could actually be pregnant so didn't want to jinx anything by sharing the news.
With my second pregnancy I didn't tell anybody until I was 19 weeks. I had bleeding and wasn't given the all clear (how ironic) that everything was okay until 19 weeks. By that time everybody had guessed I was pregnant anyway as I showed quite a bit. But then 2 weeks later my waters went...
With my most recent pregnancy ending at 11 weeks I hadn't told anybody. When I miscarried I ended up telling a lot of people. I blogged about it, told close friends, told colleagues at work... So why did I keep it such a secret when I just told everybody when everything went wrong?
My new thoughts on the matter are that if I am lucky enough to get pregnant again I will tell people a bit earlier. I might as well tell those people I would tell if I have a miscarriage so at least I can for once share some happy news even if it is just for a very short time.
When did you tell people you were pregnant? When will you tel them about a future pregnancy? Would live to hear your views on this.
I have not lost a child so my view may not be one that you are looking for but here goes...disregard if it doesn't apply to you ;)
ReplyDeleteGabriel born 08- I told everyone whilst peeing on the test...practically. Then 12 week into his pregnancy my cousin lost her baby at 22 weeks and suddenly I realized nothing was set in stone...even after 12 weeks. Then my water broke at 33 weeks and a two week nicu stay just confirmed this theory.
Eden born 09- I waited and told everyone when I was 12 weeks because I bled throughout the first trimester. I was more nervous the second time around because of my PPROM but just prayed I could get her to full term before my water broke. And I did! I made it 38 weeks before my water broke, but because I had been ruptured over 24 hours before she was born, she ended up with an infection and with a 3 day NICU stay.
Preston born 10 - Because of all my NICU journeys I vowed this last pregnancy would be different. I ate as healthy as possible, wore a belly band as soon as I started showing and kept my stress levels to a minimum. I told everyone again at 12 weeks (it was mother's day) and this pregnancy didnt see my water break until well into labour at 37 weeks. He was born and was the first of my babies not to end up in the NICU...then 10 days later he ended up in the PICU for rapid breathing where they determined he was in congestive heart failure due to multiple holes in his heart. He now goes for regular Echos but most of the holes have now grown over! Thank god.
So I guess my view is...fate will determine what happens, no matter what measures you take to make everything perfect, so if you want to share and have a few moments of contentment and happiness...then take it.
With my first (naive) pregnancy we told everyone straight away - five weeks in. It never even occurred to me that I would miscarry so soon after. With Mallory we knew better and didn't tell anyone until week 13 and only a few people then until after week 18.
ReplyDeleteI go back and forth on what we'll do next time. Like you I tend to think that I'd like to share the good news in case it only lasts a short while. After losing Mallory I felt so guilty about not sharing more of my journey with her with my family. Other times though I think that another loss would be so painful that I'd just like to be able to hide it away and not share it with anyone other than the husband as there is so much pain in the telling of bad news.
I guess there's no easy answer. Let's hope we're both back at that place, making those hard decisions soon though. I'm ready.
I talked a lot about this on my blog. When I was pregnant with Aidan we told our parents and close friends early on but it was because I kept having to rush to Emerg because I was bleeding. I was on bedrest by the end of 10 weeks, so I was off work so our families had to know. However, I didn't tell my work colleagues why I was off, and I didn't tell extended family members that I was pregnant. Some only found out about Aidan after he died. At the time that kind of made me sad. We kept waiting for the 'all clear' from the doctor, and eventually things were 'not going to be okay' in which case there was nothing fun to report...only sadness. After he died I kind of wished we had told everyone earlier...that way they might be 'sadder' that they never got to meet Aidan, instead of just sad for us.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I've found out more about myself during this current pregnancy. I'm 13 weeks and 1 day and only a handful of people know. I still haven't shared with any work colleagues (besides one) and I still haven't even told my best friend. I kind of figure, I'm just a private person that way. I'm not really keeping it a secret now 'in case things go wrong'...I just have no desire to shout it out from the rooftops. When I'm big and fat, people will know...before then I'm happy just to have a healthy baby growing that only I know about.
My first pregnancy, I was naive. We told everyone around 8 weeks. With our son, it was about the same time. With out third pregnancy, we told everyone at 7 weeks, I m/c at 8. I decided with the second to keep it to myself until we were in the second tri. I m/c at 11 weeks and felt lonely. The third time that year was a chemical pregnancy. With this baby, I told EVERYONE at 6 weeks. I figured I wanted to have support and love of those closest to me if I suffered another m/c and Iw anted to celebrate every day I was pregnant.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your comments and Carrie your views are definately welcome too.
ReplyDeleteWith Matilda we told everyone after first u/s at around 13-14 weeks.
ReplyDeleteThis time around, I'm nearly 20w and apart from our parents, my sister and some people at my work we haven't told anyone. It's really lonely journey. But I can't just bring myself to tell everyone :(
I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, Loumary. Already a sense of discouragement for the new year... I was really hoping and dreaming that every mom who was still waiting had great news this year. But I know that this year is not over for us. After the 2nd loss which was early, I figured I would share just as I did - to those few friends we trust except maybe this time it will be after the first sono. I feel so tense just thinking about sonograms - after seeing an empty sac it was another traumatically unexpected moment. Hope you are recovering physically and finding comfort...
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