November's topic is / was: It's easy to focus on all the negative things that come from losing a baby, but have you discovered any 'blessings in disguise' throughout your journey? What can you find to be thankful for related to your loss?
My problem with November's topic is I really cannot see any blessings in disguise. There are no positives. None.
At first I thought of one immediately. The 10 weeks after pPROM but before we lost Orson meant I could not fully look after M. As a result my parents and S's parents helped out. Both my Mum and S's actually stayed with us at different times. As a result M became very close to them. I love that bond he has developed.
However that isn't a blessing in disguise resulting from my loss, it is a blessing resulting from pPROM. It happened before Orson died after all and had he survived M would have been just as close to his Grannies.
So what else is there that could be a blessing? Everyone says this type of loss often brings couples closer together. Am I closer to S now? Hmmm we were already close, and yes we are still close. So not really a blessing.
My only other thought is blogging and the online communities I have come across. But I had discovered this before I lost Orson. I read lots of blogs after I had pPROM and the 10 weeks after. Yes I have discovered a lot more great people who have also suffered losses. Many have inspired me and these amazing women have helped me to cope these last few months. But to me that doesn't feel like a blessing. It is like medicine tasting a nice fruity flavour, the flavour just makes the medicine easier to swallow.
 |
| Fruity flavouring just makes medicine taste better, it isn't a blessing in disguise. (Paul / FreeDigitalPhotos.net) |
After all this writing and thinking I just have to conclude there just isn't a blessing in disguise resulting from Orson's death.
No. Losing a child..from the mother's perspective...could never have a blessing in disguise. Not for you. But this journey I am now on. This journey where I may too lose my baby. One where I finally had a pregnancy without PPROM, or PROM, only to have a child born with a congenital heart defect...it's the most difficult journey of my life. Forcing myself to bond with him, even though I could lose him, has been heart wrenching.
ReplyDeleteBut your story, and the stories of the women you have brought together through your blog has given me the courage to go on, and to reach out, and to have faith that loving him right now, in this moment, is all that matters. I dont know what the future holds. But I do know that my blessing is having faith, thanks to you, that I can reach out and not feel so alone because there are women out there...who will reach back.
For you... there could never be a blessing, but for the women you have comforted that's where Orson's life touches all the corners of this world.
Thank you for having the courage to not only share your story but to offer support to those women going through the same experience.
Oh Carrie, thanks you are so kind.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I can only begin to imagine how terrified you must be. Occasionally I have had a small glimpse of a similar fear with M; when he was a couple months old he had a very routine non risky surgery and I was terrified. And what you are going through is so much worse, and that is a massive understatement. It is really unfair.
I will continue to think of you and little Puck. Hoping he continues to gain weight and thrive.