I've been tested!

l have finally had some recurrent miscarriage tests!

I have been tested for everything the Consultant could think of (relating to miscarriage) and both me and S are being tested for chromosomal problems. They are also getting samples from the placentas looked at again.

The consultant thinks possibly I have a tendency to have placental problems (as indicated by miscarriages, M's growth problems towards the end of his pregnancy and possibly Orson's pPROM). Possibly my bicornuate uterus is linked to pPROM (cervix problems) and growth problems but not the first trimester miscarriages.

I will have another appointment in a few weeks. I have been told to take folic acid and vitamins and if I get a positive pregnancy test to take low dose aspirin as it will do no harm and might help. I was given loads of printed research on miscarriage too which was nice.

I don't care care what the tests show right now I am just really pleased to finally have them.

Nobody can tell

One thing the past year has taught me is that in the case of fertility and pregnancy related problems you really cannot tell what a person has experienced just from looking at them.

Perhaps the 40 year old with no children just never wanted kids, maybe she never met the right man, maybe she has been pregnant and lost her baby or maybe she cannot get pregnant. In the last three cases the women probably acts like the first women. Unless you know her well you will probably not be able to categorise which category she fits into.

So what possesses those of us who have infertility / pregnancy related problems to act like the women who never wanted children (or in my case the women who only wants one child). I have been wondering a bit about this lately.

So more specifically why do I often act like Orson never existed?

Because I think:

- that is how I should behave.

- strangers would choose not want to know about Orson.

- friend's and family already know how I feel and don't really want to hear about it again, it might upset them or make them uncomfortable.

- it would upset me to talk about Orson.

- people think I shouldn't be so obsessed over a year on.

- it's easier.

So a week ago at a child's party when the grandmother of the birthday boy asked if we "had any more children at home" I said no which is of course the truth, but even if she had said "is M your only child?" I would have answered yes. And why? For all the reasons above.

Balloon

Finding my new normal recently wrote of her experience of buying a balloon to release in memory of her son on his first birthday. Her experience - an experience shared by several of the people who left comments on her blog - reminded me of my own. In a way it was comforting to know that I am not alone in the way I felt.

We bought Orson's balloon - a Peppa Pig balloon on the morning of his first birthday. M, S and me went to the shop together. I really struggled, I wanted to cry. It all seems so distant now but I remember it being very very hard. Too hard, in fact I couldn't decide which balloon to get. There isn't a perfect balloon. They are all too happy. S chose in the end. He told me he thought it would have been one that Orson would have liked. M loves Peppa Pig so probably Orson would have too.

Left behind

I am going to admit a feeling I am not too proud of. The feeling of being left behind.

A year and 2 months after losing Orson I sometimes feel like I am left behind. Women I have met online who lost babies around the same time as me have gone on to have new babies. And here I am with no new baby and I am not even currently pregnant. Will I ever catch up?

Even the celebrities who lost babies in the last year, such as Lily Allen and Amanda Holden are now pregnant. How do they do it so quickly?

I am afraid the left behind feeling is not a nice one. It is a feeling of jealousy, envy, self pity and sadness all mixed together. Yes I am happy for them. They deserve their rainbows. But I do feel like having a tantrum and screaming that "it's not fair" and "when will it be my turn."

Moving on

Is it possible to "move on" after losing after losing a baby?

I hate that phrase, to me it sounds almost like forgetting or not thinking about Orson any more. I don't want either. The idea makes me want to burst into tears.

I have been told moving on means thinking of the future. If that is the case then to me the nearest to moving on I can do would be to have another baby but that is proving hard.

So since I cannot do what I think moving on is does this mean I am failing to progress with life? I don't think so. I think mostly I am okay now (my new okay), I get sad and have bad days but they are becoming rarer.

With my Counsellor this week I found myself talking about moving on and then I found mysef talking about my life and not just losing Orson. It was interesting. Found myself thinking about what I did before I had M. It has made me think maybe some of the things I used to want I might still want. I used to run, maybe I should start to run again (that would also help with the fitting into my old clothes issue I also have). What about my job? It doesn't mean as much to me as it used to, am I okay with that? Do I want to go out more? Should we get more child care for M so me and S can go out more together?

I am not going to change all of these things at once, and some of them I do not want to change but I am starting to think that maybe I need to change something. My counsellor suggested picking one thing (her suggestion was running) and try that. I am almost at the stage where I think she is right. In theory I totally agree it is just a matter of getting over my lazy streak. Running is hard, watching television and eating bad food is easier. But feeling better about myself would be great. And being healthier has got to be good for trying to get pregnant too. I have almost convinced myself. Almost.

So for those of you who have had a loss, have you moved on? Is it possible? What does moving on mean to you?

Image: renjith krishnan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Tests

Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Everything felt very bleak after my last miscarriage. I felt like there was no point in trying for another baby because I will just miscarry again. I have a little more hope now. But what would really improve my hope would be tests. I really want tests to determine if there is anything wrong with me or S that is causing my miscarriages. This week I got slightly closer to my goal of getting these tests.

I saw a Consultant this week who explained that the sample of pregnancy tissue sent off after my ERPC had Trisomy 22. This means the pregnancy had three chromosome 22s as opposed to the normal two. He suggested that there is probably only a 1% chance that either myself or S are carriers of Trisomy 22. More likely it is just a random mutation caused when the egg or sperm was created during the dividing process known as meiosis. Normally an egg or a sperm has just one set of each chromosome if something goes wrong during meiosis and a sperm or egg ends up with two copies of a chromosome and that sperm or egg is fertilized the resulting embryo will have three copies of a chromosome instead of two. Trisomies can happen on lots of chromosomes. The most famous Trisomy is Trisomy 21 - it's better known name is Down's Syndrome.

I of course Googled Trismy 22 and found out it accounts for around 3% of first trimester miscarriages. Pregnancies with it rarely progress past the first trimester.

The Consultant explained that everyone has a chance of having a Trisomy pregnancy and that chance increases with age. Because I have had one Trisomy pregnancy now he believes my chance of a second one is increased. He didn't say by how much. And a second Trisomy could occur on any of the chromosomes, including 21. He guessed that at my age (33) the chance of a Down's Syndrome baby is normally around 1 in 600 and now I have had one Trisomy pregnancy is is probably about 1 in 400, so still very small. In any future pregnancy I will be referred to the Foetal Medicine Unit at my hospital at around 11 to 12 weeks to discuss the Trisomy issue.

We are also being referred to the Hospital's Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic. The Consultant agreed we not only need to be tested to see if we are Trisomy 22 carriers but for other miscarriage causes. He said the Clinic will also be able to explain the odds of Trisomies reoccurring more accurately. I am really pleased after all I have wanted tests for ages. But at the same time I am still a little disappointed because it takes so long. We were told to expect a letter giving us an appointment within a month. No idea when the actual appointment will be. The NHS is very, very, very slow.

We asked the Consultant whether it is okay to try for another pregnancy, he agreed it is fine. He tried to end the meeting happily by explaining that it is not unusual for women with my pregnancy history to have healthy babies. I am trying to convince myself I will be one of these women.

Apathy bubble

I think I am in an apathy bubble. Nothing much is happening and I haven't had opinions or thoughts that are strong enough to burst my bubble and make me write a post for a while. Even my non blogging life is a bit like that. I look in the mirror and think that I need to lose weight but that thought is not enough to make me exercise or stop me eating chocolates and crisps.




Life is just continuing. The second miscarriage has stopped me thinking too much of the future. I am not counting the months until I get pregnant again. I haven't lost hope of a baby one day but just think what is the point in hoping too much when I will just miscarry again? And if I don't well I have that dreaded pPROM to worry about. So I am dealing with it by not thinking about it. Or at least trying not to think about it. Ceasing to think about getting pregnant is impossible, there are far too many reminders for me. For example the other day I walked to work - a simple 20 minute walk - and I passed five heavily pregnant women (and they were not in one big group on their way home after an antenatal class). So forgetting is impossible.

And forgetting or at least thinking less of Orson is also impossible. I just cannot and I think I do not want to. So I still get sad. I am not moping around all the time but waves of sadness happen. I think of him and miss him. A day does not go by when I do not think of him.

I think I am tired. And fed up. I kind if feel like I am in limbo. And I do not know that I will get much better unless I have another baby. I suppose if I cannot I will eventually come to terms with it. And I am sure having another child will not automatically make things feel better, but it will help, I am certain of it.

So for now I am just carrying on and I continue to live in my apathy bubble. Looking after M, going to work, watching mind numbing television... the days and weeks are slipping by.