You find him

I explained to Orson's little sister who's now two years old that tomorrow is one of her brother's birthday and that he would have been 5 years old. I told her that he died and we will be sad tomorrow because we miss him. I then asked her if she understood, this was our conversation:

2 year old: "you sad"
Me: "why am I sad?"
2 year old: "miss him"
Me: "yes"
2 year old: "you find him"

 If only I could.

 Happy birthday Orson. xx

Three years ago. I slept well. I was happy. I woke up early. I felt you move. I thought you were safe. I drifted back to sleep. 

And then the pain. And the hospital. And the scans. And then no heartbeat.

Disbelief. Pain. Fear. 

Then I held you.

Three years later. It's your birthday. I cannot sleep. Tears run down my face.

I still miss you. I still love you. And I'm still so very sorry.

Mummy
xx

Just a quick hello

I'm posting again but I think it will be a minor blip. I just couldn't let Orson's third birthday pass without marking it here. I wrote the next post when I couldn't sleep last night.

Thank you and bye for now

I am sorry to say that I am not going to be posting here any more. I have thought about whether to continue blogging here but think it best to stop. At least for the foreseeable future. I am a little sad about this decision. This blog has been a big part of helping me to cope with Orson's death but I am just not posting regularly enough at the moment.

I want to thank all of you for being there for me since I started blogging. I have really appreciated your support. I would be lost without you all.

xx

International Pregnancy and Baby Loss Awareness Day

www.babyloss-awareness.org

 

Today is International Pregnancy and Baby Loss Awareness Day.

In the UK 17 babies are stillborn or die shortly after birth every day (ref: SANDs). In the UK stillbirth is defined as death of a baby before birth at 24 weeks gestation or above. In England and Wales 5 out of every 1000 babies are stillborn (just over 3000 a year) (ref: NHS Direct).

Last year I asked women from on-line groups I use on Facebook and SANDS if they herod like me to publish the first name of their baby and the date they died along with Orson's name and the date he died. I was overwhelmed by the amount of women who wanted their baby's name included in the list. Unfortunately I haven't been able to do this again this year, but you can click here to see last year's list.

She's here

I am thrilled to be able to let you know that A arrived safely around two weeks ago. I was 37+1 weeks pregnant. She was born by planned c-section and weighed 6lb 11oz. She is perfectly healthy and we were home from hospital when she was two days old.

I will write more when I can.

Hoping for a rainbow

So I suppose I am back to blogging again though I will apologise I don't think I will be too frequent at posting. We will have to see how it goes.



It has been a difficult few months. I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with a girl. The exact same gestation we lost Orson. My waters are still intact and the only physical problems I have had is some bleeding early in the second trimester and SPD. I never ever thought I would get this far in a pregnancy again.

I am probably not going to post much about this pregnancy. I am finding it very hard emotionally, every day I am terrified and writing about it here does not help. Physically too with the SPD it has been hard, sleep is often elusive because of the pain.

I have had lots of hospital appointments, cervical scans between 17 and 24 weeks and growth scans from 27 weeks. I have been on low dose aspirin and high dose folic acid throughout the pregnancy. So far everything is fine. They are continuing to monitor the baby's growth and my consultant has said that she will let me deliver at 37 weeks, so just 6 more weeks to go.